Rabbinic Council Says Haiti Earthquake due to Homosexuality


Sadly, No has a satirical piece on the Rabbinic Alliance of America’s statement that the earthquake in Haiti is due to homosexuality. While the piece is a little over the top it does provoke us to none the less ask the question, what if they were Muslim? The anti-Muslim blogosphere would be using it as an example of cruelty of Islam etc., but on this we don’t hear a peep out of them.

Silly Rabbi, Tricks are for Kids

Christian Newswire Media Advisory, February 3, 2010
1000 Rabbis Warn: Open Homosexuality in the Military is a Disaster and May Cause Further Natural Disasters

Fine, splendid, freshen it for me, then.

Uh, may cause further what, now?

Rabbi Yehuda Levin, spokesman for the Rabbinical Alliance of America issued the following statement: “When Americans are suffering economically and millions need jobs, it’s shocking that the Administration is focused on its ultra-liberal militantly homosexualist agenda forcing the highlighting of homosexuals and homosexuality on an unwilling military.

At least they aren’t ‘ramming it down the throat’ of the military, like usually.1 No, but Rabbi Levin seems like a man often shocked. More specifically, he seems like the sort of bully who flaps his arms and backs into you and then cries that you pushed him. That’s one of the best kinds, and we’re preparing for an ongoing relationship by assigning him a facile nickname (Rabbi “Yehuda Hellcares” Levi) and sketching out a Photoshop piece in which the female figure in this Marc Chagall painting is bearded and wearing a hat and tallis. Oh yes, and this we say to you, Shletero:2 If their hair needs some highlights, and indeed if they’re being preferentially marked in attention-getting transparent yellow, these militant gays in the military,3 then azoy gay-it es.4Yes, and furthermore:

…If you know what we’re saying, and we think that you farshtaist.5

This is the equivalent of the spiritual rape of our military to satisfy the most extreme and selfish cadre of President Obama’s kooky coalition.

It’s like the equivalent of raping the troops with the spiritual equivalent of a big hairy moose peen, while his black friends watch.

We agree with Eileen Donnelly of the Center for Military Readiness that this will hurt the cohesiveness of the military, cause many to leave the army, and dramatically lower the number of recruits, perhaps leading to the reinstatement of a compulsory draft.

Because the Center for Military Readiness is certainly not one of those phony wingnut security foundations that sprang up after 9/11.

“Thirteen months before 9/11, on the day New York City passed homosexual domestic partnership regulations, I joined a group of Rabbis at a City Hall prayer service, pleading with G-d not to visit disaster on the city of N.Y.

That worked out great.

So no, basically, those hijacked airliners were like the egg beaters raining from the sky in the Far Side cartoon where the Indian is like, “Whoa, what kind of dance was I doing?” Because it was actually supposed to be a gay partnership G_d-mollifying dance, and instead it brought religious fanatics raining down in passenger aircraft? Like, um, really?

Because speaking just for myself, I personally would think it over before putting something on my rabbinical c.v. like “cockamamie prayers caused terror attacks of 9/11.” Because then the next thing is that everybody keeps looking at you funny every time something blows up nearby — as if nothing in the world ever blew up in a total spontaneous gaysplosion caused by G_d, as things so often do.

Example: June, 1999, when the Stonewall Inn was listed on the National Register of Historic Places, and JFK Jr.’s plane immediately crashed into the ocean off Gay Head, Massachusetts. Another example is the Krakatoa explosion in 1883, caused by something Walt Whitman did.

These are the things they start to blame you for, when all you’re doing is walking around minding your own business and decrying the spiritual something-like-rape of the equivalent of the American soldier, not to mention sailor. Because whoops, there goes G_d again with the blowing-up and the kaboom, when barely over a year earlier you’d asked him not to do that.

We have seen the underground earthquake, tsunami, Katrina, and now Haiti. All this is in sync with a two thousand year old teaching in the Talmud that the practice of homosexuality is a spiritual cause of earthquakes.

“All this is in the sink!” said the 2,000-Year-Old who is still teaching in the Talmud after all these years, and we should all be so lucky. “I keep calling Moe the plumber, and all I hear is that he’s coming. ‘Mr. Shiach is coming any time now,’ they say. Well, I’m still wai…[doorbell rings] holy cats, it’s Menachem Schneerson.”6

Once a disaster is unleashed, innocents are also victims just like in Chernobyl.

This reminds us for some reason: What has ol’ Pastor Swank been up to since the last time we…

J. Grant Swank, Jr., Truth in Conviction


Now voodoo priests are up in arms about the contest. But they should realize that there is plenty of need to go around. Why do any persons have the strength or time to whine about others helping others?

If voodoo spokespersons want to spill goats’ blood and see drum their incantations, go to it. But don’t slam Christians who are working night and day to bring relief.

Because hey, that’s what you call a voo-don’t. But since there’s nothing out of the ordinary here, let’s go back to the rabbi.

“We plead with saner heads in Congress and the Pentagon to stop sodomization of our military and our society. Enough is enough.”

No argument here. Most heads are saner than the Rabbi’s even in Congress and the Pentagon, and P.S., have you seen what they’ve done to Sodom lately?

Rabbi Levin will be available to talk to the media in Washington, D.C., on Tuesday, February 2, 2010, in proximity of the Senate Armed Services Committee hearings featuring Defense Secretary Robert Gates.

Proximity just like in Chernobyl. No, seriously: It was an outstanding media availability in which Rabbi Levin really stood out, literally at the threshold of public hearing.

We miss him already and look forward to the next time he comes in the public’s eye, despite the mess and the stinging sensation.

1 Cf., and cf. This style reaches what you’d have to call a climax in the following passage from wingnut conspiracy nut Jackie Jura: “Even cartoons ooze with sex, and every show lately pounds with homosexuality. Recently a movie named KINSEY got rave reviews for telling the story of zoologist-cum-sex researcher Alfred Kinsey who brought homosexuality and other deviations mainstream.” Research on zoologist cum is often misunderstood.2 Var. ‘Shlomo’ (cf.) 

3 Cf. Orwell’s “Politics and the English Language,” and its treatment of ‘dead’ and ‘dying’ metaphors. The infelicity in which a root word modifies itself seems suddenly to be everywhere (like the ancient and unstoppable grocer’s apostrophe and written air quote). An especially good example can be seen on a current billboard for People’s Bank, apparently quoting a Barron’s review which called them “A BANK TO BANK ON.” As though to complete the chain of irony, the phrase also appears in thisMay, 2007 Business Week item citing Bank of America as “a good defensive stock that has lagged the rally.” Merely gratuitous is the comic association here.

4 Yidd.: Azoy gait es (“that’s how it goes”). (Cf. Ger.: We’re gayin’.)

5 I.e., Mayn prom (shveb-shif) iz ful mit veners. This is by way of saying that one’saéroglisseur or Luftkissenfahrzeug is full of anguilles or Aale, or in other words thatilmatyynyalukseni on täynnä ankeriaita.

6 The Lubavitchers now have a joke. When in the future they tell it, one can call out, “Number one!” and another can reply, “Feh.”


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